There’s this thing I do where I start rambling onto my diary leaving no spaces between words and it really tires my hand but I guess that’s why I do it because if my hands are not tired I might do something stupid with them like punching a wall or knocking over a vase or slitting my wrists or tying a rope to the ceiling fan and hanging myself which explains why I keep writing because if I don’t write I’ll end up hurting myself and it’ll not be okay and my mom will get worried and I’ll lose my oh-so-independent-don’t-need-anybody-to-make-me-happy reputation ((which is kind of not fake??)) and it’ll be the worst thing ever because I don’t want to reveal that side of me because it’s too dark and it’ll scare people away and I need to stop.
I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. School starts again tomorrow, and I’m not even .1 percent prepared to deal with all that bullshit again. The media keeps flooding with news of people dying everyday, to the point where people don’t even feel shocked or appalled anymore, just a tad bit sympathetic, and even that for show most of the time.
I don’t know how to deal with most stuff. Finals are around the corner, I have to apply for colleges straight after and I have only one of them planned out and if I don’t get in, I’m going to have to apply someplace else I might not even want to go to, so at this point, I think it’d be safe to say that I’m a bit scared.
Hope it all works out.
I’ll start off by saying a massive thank you to Dounia for nominating me. You have no idea how pleased I am. I’ve had this blog for half an year now though I haven’t posted much but still. I’m new to this so I don’t quite have an idea as to how this really works, bear with me.
Follow her! https://doushiebuz.wordpress.com/
1. Thank the blogger who nominated you, linking back to their site.
2. Put the award logo on your blog.
3. Answer the ten questions they’ve set you.
4. Make up ten new questions for your nominees to answer.
5. Nominate ten people.
The Questions I Had To Answer:
1. Who are you? The truly you, I mean.
A. I don’t really know to be honest. After thinking about it a bit, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just your average teenage girl trying to make it through without having to struggle to much, I’d like to think of myself as a daydreamer. Someone who is not that easy to get to know, but once I do let you in, and once you get to know me, it wouldn’t take me a second’s thought to take a bullet for you.
2. What most important life lesson have you learned through your life?
A. That you always have to be there for yourself even if anybody else is or not. That your happiness should and does rely completely on yourself. Once you decide to strive towards something, no hurdle in your way can knock you down, no matter how big it is, you just have to learn to love yourself for who you are and all else will be just fine. I know it’s easier said than done, but I believe there’s nothing you can’t do as long as you’re determined.
3. Do you love yourself? If not, why?
A. I’m kind of lost on this one because I really don’t know. I don’t know if I love myself yet but I sure as hell am striving towards it. I’ve never thought of myself as someone who’d just live their life pitying others and myself, but more as someone who doesn’t just like to sit around instead wants to go out and change things. So there are some things I’d like to change about myself in order for me to be completely satisfied with the person that I am and to be able to love that person.
4. Give the 5 compliments that has stayed with you during all this time.
A. I don’t know exactly what this means but:
- “You’re brave.”
- “I like your self confidence, never let it die.”
- “You make me glad to be alive.”
- “Thank you for existing.”
- I often get told that I have this will to change the world and that I should work towards it with all I have.
5. What do you want to achieve in your life badly? Why?
A. There are A LOT of things I’d like to achieve before I die. What tops my list will always be, ‘to have peace of mind’. I want to be able to be completely satisfied and happy with my life and the people in it and I know that now’s not that time. I want to be able to go to sleep at night and look forward to the next morning instead of hoping it doesn’t arrive and most of all, I want to be able to look myself in the mirror someday and say, “hey, you made it.”
6. If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be and why?
A. One thing I’d always wish I could change was the mentality of the people I’m surrounded with and have grown up with. I know it sounds weird and ignorant but I have always had a feeling that if the people around me were more open-minded and had a more positive view towards things, I would not be as mentally damaged as I am today and would be able to look at life with a more positive perspective.
7. What would you choose: friends, success or friends, happiness? Why?
A. Friends. I feel that if I have the right friends who are neither fake nor delusional when it comes to our friendship, happiness is guaranteed to come along with it. Once you know you’re hanging out with the right people who’ll never let you down and will always be there for you, what more can you ask for?
8. What would you want to see changing in the world? Why?
A. Oh man, SO many things. Racism ((stop it already)), sexism ((!!)), slut-shaming, body-shaming, anti-choice people, murders, mass killings, war, rich people who take disadvantage of their status and use their money to fuck the world up, homophobia ((seriously why is this even a thing)), terrorism, the oppression and shaming of women simply because they’re woman, shaming and killings of Muslims, black people, homosexuals, and so many more, only because they’re not who you think they should be. Just all of these things, we need to put an end to them, and we need to do it soon.
9. What inspires you daily to keep fighting for what you want?
A. The fact that there will be a day when I would’ve finally made it. When I’ll have finally gotten what I worked so hard to get and I’d finally be able to look the people – who told me I couldn’t do it – in the eyes, and say, “I did it. I fucking did it.”
10. At last: name five things you’re proud of doing.
- Being so open minded and of positive attitude towards life and people.
- Of helping others through stuff I know I’d need help with if I’d gone through it.
- Making online friends and helping them realize their worth.
- Being the person I wish I had when I was younger.
- Writing this blog.
X X X
I don’t know that many people here so I’ll just nominate three.
- Are you proud of who you are?
- If you were given a chance to look into your future, would you take it? Explain.
- Does life really start for you at the end of your comfort zone or is that just a silly saying?
- What are your views on political wars? Is politics even important?
- If you were to bring about a certain change in the world that’d stay forever, what would it be?
- If you could delete or alter an event in the history of the world, what would it be and why?
- What things do you aspire to change in either yourself or your life?
- Would you rather choose: a) success over freedom, b) fans over friends, c) fame over family, and why?
- Do you have a certain goal in life? And if so, what motivates you to work towards it?
- Do you believe in god? Explain.
Thoughts of you
I cannot consign to words
The day we met,
The nights I want to forget
You were the fire that
Turned me into ash
I was a dream
That never came true
And as I watched you slip away
Before my eyes
Far, far away from my reach
That I realized,
I could’nt keep something that
Wasn’t meant for me
But in my heart
I prayed for you to stay
And on a rainy day,
We did finally fade away..
(Originally published in Us Magazine, The News International 30th May, 2014)
Let me just start by stating a fact most of us know to be true, being human is not easy. It might easily be the hardest thing I have ever had the misfortune of going through.
X X X
I used to think of myself and all those around me as this indescribable creature that had these giant wings that were bound to make them fly anywhere they wanted and however they wanted. Turns out that was only my version of a perfect world. Turns out that this visionary creature that was my definition of humans was only just a teeny tiny part of them the better side of me refused to see.
See, I wasn’t always like this, so “cold and heartless”, in the words of my beloved mother. I wasn’t always this naive and, somewhat delusional. At least that’s how people see me. For those who truly know me, have spent time with me, know how I am as a person, they look at me different than anyone who’s only recently met me.
To those who do know me, I’m that “emotionless girl who never feels.. anything, neither sorry, nor sympathetic to any other struggling soul”. I don’t like to think of myself as that. I do feel. Quite frankly I feel much more than I intend to. But maybe that’s just how I am built to be.
See, it’s not always how it seems. I may come off as rude and selfish and cold, but trust me, I never intend to.
It’s almost like I’m two completely different souls merged into one body. What I appear to be to most fellow beings, is a gullible and callow young girl who knows nothing of the world and is perhaps, living in a bubble. But see, a bubble can pop. That’s the thing with bubbles, you blow out a bubble and you watch it fly, it’ll just be casually flying about in open air, without a care in the world, and you’ll be standing there watching it go in awe and then, without you ever really noticing, that bubble pops mid-flight. And there’s a shudder of disappointment that might go through your mind but you brush it off, because.. well, it’s just a bubble.
But see, my story is different. When they tell me that I’m ‘living in a bubble’, a part of me will believe them, but a part of me won’t, I might argue about how they’re wrong nevertheless, or I might stay quiet and not say anything.
But the thing is, the bubble I live in, has made home over a volcano. I do want to get out of that dreadful bubble because it has hold me captive, I’m aware that I am, in fact, a slave to it, but no matter how hard I try and how badly I want to break free, I know that I can’t. I know, because I’ve seen it happen before. Not to me, but to someone who I care about. See, if I somehow do manage to break free, it’ll be a lot like stabbing yourself in the foot with an axe. Yes, I will be free, I will have freed myself from that awful slavery of a goddamn bubble, and yes, I will have made it out alive, but would I have really?
Notice how I mentioned my bubble of a home flying over a oh so very deadly and oh so very alive volcano? Now, if I do manage to make it out, I’ll fall into a boiling monster of a lava waiting to devour me, and whatever will be left of me will have to quiver its way to its final annihilation.
So, in conclusion, I’m living my life in a constant battle between my two selves; the one that is trapped within a bubble, and the other that dreads whatever is to come it’s way after it breaks ‘free’ of it.
I guess I never really can be free, but maybe that’s just how far my imagination is taking me.
*** So, here’s hoping, that one day, someday, the universe will work together in conspiring to help me achieve my destiny, instead of dragging me against it. Maybe one day, someday, the wind will decide to come closer, whisper, “I’m proud of you” and then, using all of its force, will carry me away from the horrible, forever dreaded volcano, and then maybe – when I’m finally where I’m meant to be, the place that had been waiting for me all my life without me ever really knowing it, the trees will cheer for me, the autumnal leaves will hustle altogether as tribute to my undying courage, the dandelions will all dance together in celebration for I will have finally made it and the stars, oh the stars, they will all shine for me as they chant in unison;
“YOU MADE IT.”
‘Mubarak ho! Beti paida hui hai.’ Your mother holds you for the first time in her arms and you’re so tiny that you fit in perfectly. She looks at you, forgets the pain and kisses your forehead. ‘Meri pyaari beti. Welcome to the world.’ She says.
The nurse takes you away so that you meet your family. Your father is the second person to hold you. The words of the azaan echo in the room. You know he loves you because you’re his little princess. Then you meet the rest of your family. You look at your daddi and notice that she’s not so happy. Why? Because you’re a girl.
The first few years of your life are perfect. You start crawling but your mom has to be careful. There could be something on the floor that could hurt you. So she cleans the house for you. Every little thing…
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One thing I always fail to understand is why do us humans think that we need a specific someone to get us through stuff? We don’t, and I’ll tell you why.
Isn’t it just so sad that some people actually fall in too deep that they almost give up their own lives for a certain someone that probably doesn’t care? They fail to realize that the world does not revolve around a specific someone, unless that someone is themselves. You are only supposed to keep a vigilant eye to your own surroundings. What’s true is true, and truth is that at the end of the day you’re all by yourself.
Everyone ends up alone anyway, isn’t it just better to learn to live that way?
We came in this world alone and that’s how we’ll leave, and this should not come of a ‘sad reality’ or a ‘bitter truth’, it’s the way it is and we all have to accept it. Because if we don’t, we’re wasting our lives to oblivion.
I, myself, have had several parleys on this such topic with various people being entitled to various opinions. My personal favourite one was, as follows:
Person ((let’s call them A)): “What do you do when they become a necessity of life? Like, say… oxygen. You feel like you need them in your life to be able to breath.”
Me: “A person is just a person, just another human, a sacred part of the universe trying to understand itself and everything around him/her. They’re mortal, and so is the universe. They should never be such thing as a ‘necessity’, nothing ever lasts.
A: “but when ignored by someone whose attention means thee most to you, the reaction perceived by the brain is similar to physical pain.”
Me: “Isn’t that what we claim to be the ‘saddest’ part? We become so blinded by our own perceptions of things that we forget the way they actually are.”
A: “True, we have a constructed and distorted perception which is subservient to whatever narratives our brain is operating on.”
Me: “Exactly, and that’s what makes us so miserable that we somewhat neglect the actual reason for our being.”
A: “And I thought suicide was a coward’s way out. Just need to constantly tell ourselves the purpose, even if we fail to believe.”
Me: “Suicide is what i believe, to be just the result of what happens when we get so captivated by the tricks our mind is constantly playing on us, that we fail to understand things the way they are. It’s sad really.”
A: “Severe cases result in depersonalization and derealization. I wouldn’t wish it upon my enemy, lest I have one.”
What i think we need to realize is that things don’t always go the way you plan, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
X X X
What’s worse is someone close to you, someone you oh-so dearly adore, someone you’ve known all your life, fails to realize these things. You just want to shake them so hard and snap them back to reality somehow and show them that all these buildings, the people living in those buildings, the people walking the dimly lit sidewalks on empty midnight streets, the birds that just never seem to stop chirping, the stars that shine so bright you can’t help but endlessly stare at them – they are all here for a purpose, a purpose they all fail to realize.
The entire universe communicates in a language that is too profound to be put into words. The sun talks to the earth, it talks to the plants that somehow converge with the rays of sunshine disregarded by men. The stars talk to the moon and the moon, to the clouds. Together they make this world what it is. You, my friend, are a child of the universe and you have a right to be here. You hold inside yourself a piece of the galaxy, the universe, do you dare put it to waste?
“Dare not disturb the universe, my child, for it is busy in conspiring you to achieve your destiny.”
These past days have been okay. I’d like to think that I’ve been okay. Kind of.
Anyway, vacations are over. I’d like to share a few things that I’ve noticed and learned in these past 61 days.
x x x
Before these holidays, I always felt like I was lonely and depressed and it got to the point where I forced myself to believe that I’m content with it. But I wasn’t. Of course I wasn’t. It is in fact true, that we – at certain times prefer our own company. There are times when you do not want to be around people. And it’s okay, but then there are those times when you want nothing more than to be around your friends. You want to be around people who’ll understand, who know and who care.
Those who will hear you out, and then slap you for forgiving that dude that cheated on you. Those people who will make you try on dresses for a party and then narrow their eyes and shake their head when they don’t do your beautiful body justice. People who won’t laugh on your jokes because “you’re the lamest person I know”. The people who won’t care if you haven’t showered, if you have acne, if you’re gaining too much weight (they’d still eat pizza with you). The people who are not around every week but you know you cross their mind everyday, because you are a major part of their lives and they are a part of yours, and in that moment you know, you’re not alone, that you’re all in it together, even if you’re oceans apart, you’re there for them and they’re here for you.
A person doesn’t always have to take a bullet for you to show you that they give a shit. The simplest and smallest things – a single line, a text message, a phone call, a gift – mean much more than we give them credit for.
Long paragraphs telling you to stay strong, being there in a blink because you cried over the phone, things like these have “I CARE. I’M HERE.” written all over them, but then so do simple things we say subconsciously everyday;
“Watch your step.”
“Get some rest.”
“Did you take your meds?”
“Did you eat?”
“Do you want something to drink?”
“There’s something on your shirt.”
“Come here, give me a hug.”
These words and phrases mean much more than we think they do, love is all around – we just have to open our minds to it and let it in.
Sometimes we get so engrossed by sadness and that feeling of betrayal, or being left out, or being alone, or not being good enough – that we subconsciously ignore those things around us, that make us who we are, that give us a reason to be alive, the things that make life worth it.
Notice them, cherish them. Spend time with those people that make you feel alive, who make you feel like you really do deserve to be here, who remind you that you’re worth it, that you’re good enough. They are the people who make your time here on earth worth it, not the ones who try to put you down.
As much as there are good people on this planet, it’s filled with assholes on every corner who’ll try to push you down and crush you and make you feel worthless. The key is to not let them win. You’re in it for you, not to please them who wouldn’t give two shits if you were gone tomorrow.
Always remember: you were given this life because you deserve it and are strong enough to live it.